Length… explained

Photos

 

No! Not that kind of length—get your mind out of the gutter!

I’m talking about book length. One of my publishers (Evernight) has a novelette line called Romance on the Go, and I’ve noticed that a lot of readers are confused about length and word count.

There are a bunch of different opinions on how long a novel should be, as well as a short story or novella, but generally speaking, here is a short cheat sheet you can use so you know what you’re getting:

  • Short Short Story = up to 7,500 words
  • Short Story/Novelette (Romance on the Go titles) = 8,000 to 12,000 words
  • Novella = 20,000 to 40,000 or 50,000 words
  • Novel = 40,000 or 50,000 words and up
  • Epic OMG this is going to take forever to read = 100,000 words and up

_____

For some comparison shopping, here is some more info:

little-dove Little Dove is 10,850 words

Kiss Is A Four-Letter Word Kiss Is A Four-Letter word is 40,600 words

Appassionato released! Appassionato is 64,657 words

something-shifty Something Shifty is 40,680 words (releases Thursday!)

Five books that take zero energy to read which makes me happy

There’s this little known fact of life about being a writer that no one tells you: it takes a LOT of freaking time to write a book. Most of us have to give something up in order to manage it. Some people give up sleep (which just-NO). Some give up being nice (let the spouse do all the work-also NO). Some give up food, clothes, and other essentials like bathing (NO NO NO).

I gave up … reading.

Seriously. I have so little time leftover after cooking and doing stuff with the family and sleeping and exercising, that I’ve been trying to fit reading in while I eat lunch. And during bathroom breaks (which is kinda TMI, isn’t it? Sorry…). Sometimes I read during commercials while I’m watching tv with the family, but with DVRing most of our shows, that leaves me about ten seconds.

So, I’ve begun reading stuff I’ve already read a thousand times. I know what happens. I know the characters. Practically no mental energy is used up trying to get into a book and then getting interrupted by life and then … well, forgetting the names of the characters.

I tend to reread things that make me either laugh or sob uncontrollably (and no, I don’t know what that says about my mental landscape, and I don’t have the time to figure it out, either, so we’ll all just have to deal).

Without further ado, here is my list:

Indiscreet

Indiscreet by Kasey Michaels

Hysterical. I mean, I need tissues when I read this because it opens with a scene where the main characters’ parents fall off a balcony while boinking. I generally laugh so hard I cry.

*****

AViewtoaKiss

A View to a Kiss by Caroline Linden

The hero is a spy. He wears a disguise … an UGLY disguise. The girl falls for him anyway. Totally awesome.

*****

BrideHuntBall

At the Bride Hunt Ball by Olivia Parker

In one scene the heroine throws a fruit at the hero’s forehead and he goes DOWN–>so freaking funny!

*****

SilentMelody

Silent Melody by Mary Balogh

This is seriously old-school romance (well, not for me, I started reading romances long before 1997, but still, you get the idea). The heroine is deaf. The hero is the only one who thinks she has a brain. Sigh-worthy, heartbreaking romance in this book.

*****

AtrociousLies

I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies): True Tales of a Loudmouth Girl by Laurie Notaro

Um, do I really have to explain this one? I mean, look at the title, come on! That’s funny! This is the one non-fiction book in the list, but I have to admit, I bet Ms. Notaro took some liberties with the hilarious stories in the book. She’s possibly a connoisseur of hyperbole, of which I heartily approve.

Cotton and china sitting in a tree, k i s s i n g

It’s been a little over two years since I began writing erotic romances. They say that for your two year anniversary, you’re supposed to gift the happy couple with cotton (which, what? Why?) or china (the dish, not the country). One of my publishers just had a two-year anniversary, too. Coincidentally, my husband and I are celebrating our twenty year anniversary. I’ve been deluged with cottony dreams and weird, significant thoughts every time I fold a towel or pick up a stray leaf. It’s as if I’m supposed to believe that these days are important somehow, when the truth is, I think it’s all just an excuse for having a party.

(Which I have no problem with, by the way.)

By the time this post goes live, I will be in Las Vegas, rolling around on a ridiculously decadent bed and trying to decide if I should eat chocolate candy or chocolate cake for breakfast. I’ll probably get some new piece of sparkly jewelry. The husband indulges me often, but this time I’ll take a minute and reflect on how we got here, two decades later. I will be happy.

The truth is, I’ve been writing since I was a child. I’ve been writing so long that selecting an arbitrary date to celebrate is strange and hilarious. Yeah, sure, I would like to make money with my words, but the truth is, I wrote long before I sold anything. I published long before I got paid. Given the insanity of this business, I suppose loving the act of writing is a blessing. I’ll keep going whether or not I ever celebrate an anniversary. I’ll still be writing ten years from now. I’ll probably throw a party and eat a ton of crap and the next day I’ll get up and start typing away, transcribing dreams into pixels. One of my characters will wear a diamond in a tin setting and no one will understand why. It’ll be awesome.

Don’t feed the trolls

A long time ago, on a computer network far, far away, I  encountered an anonymous individual freaking out big time over something or other. This person was trashing another anonymous user: calling him/her names, posting really, really uncreative obscenities. I used to lurk on usenet, reading stories, checking news, and generally being a giant nerd—imagine my astonishment when I discovered that a ginormous public forum will often generate phenomenally jerky behavior.

*insert sarcastic gasp of astonishment here*

A week later, this same person freaked out all over someone else’s post. And then again a few days later it happened again. It was like watching a train wreck.

The person trashing everything in sight on an online space is called a troll. Trolls like to cause trouble. They love flame wars and posting rage rants and if they can make a normal, ordinary individual strolling along the internet highway freak out, that is the ultimate WIN.

The only way to counteract them is to not freak out. Doesn’t matter how offensive they are, how crazy, how stalkerish, how absolutely evil, if you ignore the troll it will get bored and go away. Don’t feed the trolls the thing they most want: you flipping out in public. Trolls cannot be reasoned with. Trolls are irrational precisely because that generates the biggest upset.

What does this have to do with writing romance novels? Well, see, there are some people who like to post bad reviews on books in various places. Sometimes they just don’t like the book. Sometimes they don’t like the genre. Sometimes they just want to see if they can get the author to freak out in public. The reasons don’t really matter. The response is the same as what you would use for a troll: ignore, ignore, ignore.

As a writer, I’ve received my fair share of critique, reviews, criticisms—a lot of it bad. Some of them were mean. Some were heartfelt critiques kindly meant. The only two proper responses are: say nothing, or say thank you. That’s it. Those are the only two options. Ever.

As Nassim Nicholas Taleb says in his book, “Fooled by Randomness,”

A book review, good or bad, can be far more descriptive of the reviewer than informational about the book itself.

Dear Muse: please STFU (and sneeze into your elbow)

Many times over the years I’ve had people say to me (upon finding out that I am a writer): Oh! I have a great idea for a book! You should write about [insert random idea here].

I generally smile and thank them and let them believe that I will use their suggestion. I’ve learned that telling them I have plenty of my own ideas doesn’t make them stop talking. On the contrary. Most people come up with more ideas—two, three, sometimes even five of them and they love to push them on me with great energy and charitable zeal, as if were in desperate need of inspirational sustenance. I am not.

I am not entirely certain why people think writers have a hard time coming up with ideas. I don’t think you can even become a writer if you don’t have a lot of clamoring, incessant imagery inside your head. Indeed, my skull is stuffed full of useless shit that will never make it into my writing. And by stuffed full I mean ideas are coming out of my ears, nose, eyes, and every other orifice as well as floating into the air from my pores, like an evaporative perfume. I’ve got daffodils and roses and freaking cinnamon scented pine cone ideas dissipating into the ether from my brain. I truly don’t need more.

I have so many ideas because the Muse is a vengeful bitch and I spent about a decade ignoring her. For ten years I went about my daily life without writing down a damn thing. I dreamed, I ate, I worked, I had children, and all the while the Muse bided her time, rubbing her hands together gleefully in anticipation of the day when I finally picked up a pencil and tried to scratch something creative onto the backside of a grocery receipt. As soon as I did this: BAM.

Ideas are like viruses. They breed.

And the Muse? What did she do? She spewed her infectious, rainbow-colored, surreal, insistent, desperate pathogens all over me.

Right now I have eleven novel ideas with notes and characters and some basic plot outlines sitting on scraps of paper. I have others, too, that I refuse to write down, because really, who needs more than eleven novel ideas at any one time? I sure don’t. I had to come up with another pen name just to keep up with all my ideas. I now write under three personas. THREE. Most people who think they are three separate individuals are clinically insane. Me? I’m just a poor writer, trying to sleep through the inspiration. And failing.

You hear that, Muse? I need sleep, I really, really do. Please shut the f**k up.

And sneeze into your elbow next time.

Plotter or pantser? Neither. OR how to not bore oneself to death

 

When I began writing novels, I started with an outline for the first few of them. I had main points and ideas for how long it should take to write the whole thing and all sorts of useless notes about chapter length and so on. And when I began writing, I got SO FREAKING BORED. Why? Because the part that was most fun (making up a plot and characters and figuring out how to torment them) was all over by the end of my outline. The sheer drudgery of writing description and dialogue nearly killed me.

Okay, I thought. Clearly I’m not a plotter.

The next few books I wrote without an outline. I sat down and started typing away with whatever floated into my head. The frightening mist of the unknown closed around me like an evil fist. I got lost. I got so totally lost I couldn’t figure out what the hell I was doing until I wrote an outline. Then I grew bored. AGAIN.

Clearly, pantsing my way through a novel didn’t work either. (Being a pantser means you’re flying by the seat of your pants: no outline, no concept, etc.)

There must be a happy medium, I told myself as I desperately pecked away at my keyboard.

There is.

It doesn’t have a pithy name. It doesn’t fit into the “Plotter or Pantser” lingo at all. I sort of outline my novels, but I don’t write anything down. I make up characters and then I put them into sticky situations. This is what my train of thought looks like: oh, I want this character to fall in love with that one and then BAM! Bad guys show up or someone trips over themselves or whatever. I don’t give myself a road. I stand at the edge of a prairie and stare into the distance at the pass through the mountains, and then I begin typing my way there.

In one book I missed the pass entirely, but that’s okay. In another, I got to the pass, but then decided to hang-glide down the other side instead of walking.

So what does one call that? Am I a jumper? A pantser with a plot? A plot with no pants? No idea and I’m not sure I care.

Oh hey, look! There’s another mountain! *points excitedly* If anyone asks for me, I’m heading over that way…

 

Lover Unexpected coming soon!

Evernight will be publishing two anthologies this summer. The first twist? The stories are about friends who become lovers. The second twist? There are two editions of the anthology: the ManLove edition (mm stories) and the Sappho edition (ff stories). I’m going to have a story in each one! *\o/*

Lover Unexpected: ManLove Edition, A Little Bendy by Erin M. Leaf

Lover Unexpected: Sappho Edition, Wrong Side of the Fence by Erin M. Leaf

To see the full line-up, check out Evernight’s post here: Lover Unexpected Line-Up

one is aware that one is dreaming

I am a lucid dreamer. I have been since I was a child. Sometimes this is a curse and sometimes it’s a gift. Sometimes I can direct the dreams and sometimes I can’t. I can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell in my dreams and I’ve been told that’s unusual. This morning the dream I had was so vivid I wrote part of it down. I think it may very well be a new novel though I don’t know what it’s about just yet. The funny thing about these dreams is that I get a great deal of imagery and tension, but no resolution. It’s usually up to me to determine what happens to the characters in my dreams and why.

For the longest time I didn’t understand that the writing part, the determination part, was up to me and the dreams would just disappear into the black hole of my memory. I can’t tell you how many of these dreams I’ve lost, but I know it’s quite a few. I think I’ve figured out how to write these stories, finally. My husband has said more than once that “universes are created and destroyed in your dreams every night” and possibly he’s right. If so, it’s an awesome and frightening possibility.

*****

Untitled Draft of Dream number 4541

Ximena ran her fingers along the white marble walls as they walked. The cold surface soothed her nerves and helped her orient her thoughts properly. Too much confusion in her mind led to bad things, not that she’d ever let it get to that. Her authority was a heavy responsibility, but she’d been raised to shoulder it since birth.

The tunnel they moved down was brightly lit, almost enough to hurt her eyes, but not quite. The marble that sheathed everything might have looked sterile except for the few black doors that dotted the long passage. They were the secret entrances to every room in the palace, used by servants and security personnel. It was a major breach of protocol for her to be here.

“Why are you doing this?” Zefirino asked.

She shrugged tiredly, unsurprised by his question. She’d been waiting for it. “It’s my responsibility.”

He put a hand to her shoulder, stopping her. “No, it’s not. It’s too dangerous. I could question her for you.”

She turned to him and frowned. His dear face was troubled and she wished she could reach out and smooth the worry lines away, but such familiarity would shock him. She sighed, instead. “We tried it your way and she wouldn’t speak. I need to do this.”

He looked at her steadily, the deep brown of his eyes never wavering. She looked down, wondering how he could stand there like that, so still. He never fidgeted. His tight black uniform hugged his body, highlighting the muscles hard-won through years of training. Weapons were strapped to his arms and legs, small black lumps against the synthetic smart fabric of his clothing.

“You know I’m right,” she said finally, meeting his eyes again. She ignored the curious looks of the others in the passageway. They knew better than to question her presence here. She was their ruler, their lady. Zefirino was head of security, as his father had been before him. Of all the people in the palace, they had the right to go anywhere and do anything they wished. She rolled her shoulders, trying to ease the tension that coiled in her spine like a snake. The right to go anywhere meant that she went fewer places than most.

Zef licked his lower lip thoughtfully. She tried not to smile. He would hate to be reminded of the one childhood habit he could not train away. “Fine. But I will be there with you at all times.”

“I would expect nothing less.” She looked down the gleaming marble at the black door set into the curve of the tunnel. “It’s time.”

He said nothing as she walked to the door and paused in front of it. After a moment’s hesitation, she put her eye to the security panel set at shoulder height. The electronics in the door identified her retinal pattern. With a flick of her eyelid, she keyed on the hidden camera so that she could look out into the courtyard. Sitting on the stone bench near the waterfall was the woman they’d come to see. Her long, brown hair was expertly arranged to fall over her left shoulder. Her lips were painted a deep red. Ximena stifled the urge to run her hand down her own hair. Her assistant Lina would kill her if she messed up her work. It’d taken an hour to wrestle her curly red mane into submission this morning.

“Well?” Zef asked.

“So pushy,” she murmured. Her companion flashed her a rare grin. Ximena rolled her eyes at him then squared her shoulders and pushed open the door.

*****

Notes: I came up with the character’s names as I wrote this. In the dream they were unnamed. And there is more to the dream: a whole scene with the woman and shooting and people running away from the violence, but I think I’ll save that for the novel this dream is going to become. ;-)

Kiss Is A Four-Letter Word – She’s got legs!

Kiss Is A Four-Letter word is still on BookStrand’s 14 day Bestseller’s list! Number 22 in Menage & Multiple!

And one of my readers gave me an awesome review on Amazon:

Ms. Leaf describes a kissing scene that makes yearn to go practice on some lucky man (or two of them!). Don’t even get me started on the actual sex scenes. Holy Moly people – snap on the seat belts and hold on for a fun ride!

Heh. This book’s got legs.

Write more books (preferably ones that don’t suck).

I hate ninety percent of the books I read. Yes, yes I know: hate is such a strong word, it’s all a matter of opinion, what’s good for the goose isn’t always good for the gander and other clichés, but whatever. Most books suck. (Either that or I’m terribly picky. The queen of finicky.)

Some are so bad I give up in the middle rather than slog through the whole thing. It’s as if the words on the page got together and decided that it would be fun to torment the reader: hackneyed dialogue, passive voice, adjective abuse. Sometimes the main character is so hateful or stupid or whiny I want to punch him or her in the nose.

Some are just meh (my vocabulary word of the week). My younger teen uses it to describe school. My older teen uses it to describe his younger brother. I also saw it in a book review recently. It’s the new “whatever.” It’s the kind of word that says: I didn’t have the energy to throw this in the trash so I might as well finish reading it. Meh books comprise the biggest portion of my ninety percent.

Some books are so godawful that I actively despise them. These I usually finish just so I can knowledgeably diss them to any friends/family/victims who happen to wander by. I say stuff like: OMG did you read [insert book title here]? It was WRETCHED. The heroine was a dog-walker who fell for her cousin’s meth addict half-brother/stepson! They boinked in the back freezer of a butcher shop in between sides of COW! (I try to make sure my voice grows more shrill with every phrase so as to press upon my listener the complete hideousness of the book.)

I’ve been reading for four decades (yes, frightening, I know) so I’ve read a LOT of horrible books. At some point I said to myself: honey, it’s time. Write a book and see if you can do any better. Since that elusive ten percent of absolutely brilliant writing happened so rarely (novels which are so excellent I cried with envy and despair as I read each delicious word), I decided I should write my own. I would write the book I wanted to read.

Uh-huh.

That didn’t go so well, as you can imagine. Do you know how difficult it is to avoid passive voice/hackneyed dialogue/adjective abuse? Filter words exist solely to pop up in the middle of any paragraph I write, laughing and giving me the finger. Then there’s the length issue. Do you have any idea how long an average novel runs? 50,000-60,000 words. Do you know how long I can sit still? [Insert unintelligible vocalization of derision here.] At one point I almost resorted to stapling my ass to my chair. I gave myself little rewards: chocolate if I finished a chapter (this did not help the size of my butt), more chocolate if I finished two chapters (butt still spreading), and chocolate with caramel if I finished three (yes, I know this is the opposite of what I should do if I want to be physically functional but too bad-I don’t need to walk to write). Eventually I got the hang of it and published some novels.

Unfortunately I still have the original problem: most books suck. Most books will always suck, especially those that seem fun to read at first. They will suck giant ass rocks and they will suck tiny little turds of poo. They will suck until the sun explodes and our planet collapses into a heap of molten carbon (at which point I’ll be like: Whoa. Fireworks. Then I will consume my body weight in chocolate until I explode. I mean, what the hell else is there to do when that happens?)

There’s only one solution to the “most books suck” problem: write more books (preferably ones that don’t suck).

 
Of course, I’m sure there’s someone out there who thinks my books suck.

 

 

That’s ok.

 

 

No, really. They can go write their own books.

 

That don’t suck.

 

 

 

Me? I’ll be eating a ton of chocolate while I type happily into the sunset (which looks really, REALLY BIG right now. And HOT. Um.
WTF?).